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Home > Jungle Safari Playset
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UFO: Big Foot - Phontos the Last Chican by John Ph.D.
Big Foot and I are good friends, as most of my readers already know. I've explained in my articles that Big Foot is the last of the Chicans. Despite our efforts to find Big Foot a mate to guarantee the propagation of his DNA we have failed to do so. You may remember our two failed attempts.
When I say "we," of course I mean our local Chapter of the Snake River Big Foot Association. Because of our mild January and February here in Southern Idaho, we have seen Phontos on several occasions. He is still the prankster and has fooled a number of us into giving him food. Actually, to get food, he only has to ask, but that is not the way he prefers to operate. Right now he is in Jackson Hole Wyoming hunting elk with a wolf pack. That is an annual affair with Phontos and the wolves.
Anyway, Phontos had a run-in with his employer in the Florida Everglades and is officially on strike and refuses to play the Swamp Ape this winter season. That with hurricanes and tornados has hurt the Florida economy in deleterious ways. The Florida governor has asked for Federal aid but he seems to have less influence with the current administration than Jeb Bush did.
The Intergalactic Society to Preserve Chicans in the Milky Way System is represented here in Southern Idaho by Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766. Her associate, Silzrack, is her Balsslip (or secretary) of the Earth Chapter of the Intergalactic Society to Preserve Chicans in the Milky Way System. Both Xrytspet and her Balsslip are on vacation, Xrytspet in G32299998 and Silzrack in G44442293.
Xrytspet is a great fan of Rejlin and is attending the annual (Silton Time) competitions on Peysonlada, a planet not unlike earth except no humans or any other such primates of marginal intelligence live there. I might mention that Xrytspet is not just a spectator of Rejlin. She holds the Universe record for most Plasaontos scored in a single tournament.
I would like to explain the game of Rejlin. However, this report is far too serious to engage in writing frivolities. However, I will say that those of you who have read and thoroughly understand the rules for Cricket would be able to comprehend the game.
At this point I would like to digress so that my readers will be completely informed as to the nature of the Chicans. Some of you that read UFO: I chat with Big Foot know more about Big Foot than most people do. Here is the content of that little chat which took place at the Yeti Confutation in Tibet:
That's when a huge hairy creature walked into the cavern. Xrytspet said, "Oh, it's you Phontos."
In a low growl he said, "Silzrack dropped me off. He told me to tell you that you must return to Fenton next week to check on your sick grandmother. He said that you will have to take me back to Fostoria."
I knew that was just a code that Silzrack, another Fentonian, used. It meant, "Sorry I couldn't stay to chat."
Phontos was about 8 feet tall, had glowing black eyes, a black nose like a polar bear, and smelled like my dog when he climbs out of the irrigation canal. He asked, "What happened to the Yetis? I saw them running, rolling, and sliding down the mountain like they had seen the Jersey Devil."
I said, "They did!"
Xrytspet said, "A slight misunderstanding. This is Taylor Jones, the hack writer. He doesn't believe you exist.
I said, "I'm sorry, Phontos."
He said, "No! Keep it that way. Keep writing those articles. That way more people will come looking for me. The more the better. They look during the day and I steal their provisions at night.
"They usually think it is a bear, not me.
"A Chigan has got to eat and I'm sick of eating the roots and nuts which I have been eating for the last three hundred years."
I said, "Oh! You call yourself Chicans. Do you have a family, Phontos?"
"We were Chicans. No family. I'm the only one left. When I die in a few hundred years, the tourist trade in the Northwest will drop like a spent rocket."
I asked, "How do you leave so few tracks and so little scat?"
"Levitation! That's why I come to these meetings. The Yetis have it perfected. As for the scat, I recycle."
I said, "Ugh! Where exactly do you live, or do you move around."
"In the summer, if it's raining, I sleep under a tree or, if it's clear, I sleep on top of a mountain where I can study the cosmos.
"In the winter, I sleep in the public library in Fostoria until New Years, then I move down to Florida to become the Swamp Skunk Ape. I've read every book in the Fostoria library except those by Danielle Steele."
I said, "You don't like Danielle Steele?"
"I cruise the yard sales in the summer. Her novels are all over the place. That's when I read them."
I said, "You've got to be kidding."
He said, "You've seen some of the those creepy crawlers that go to yard sales. I fit right in."
I said,"You don't smell like a skunk like the Florida Swamp Ape."
He said, "I carry a vial of essence of skunk."
I said, "I've got an idea, Phontos. Have you heard of the Mapinguary?"
He said, "Thanks for the sentiments, Taylor Jones, the hack writer. There is only one Mapinguary left. We spent a couple of years together but she never liked me. She said, 'Adios' in 1876 and I haven't seen her since."
There were tears in his eyes.
This interview reveals considerable information on Big Foot. Here is the summary:
● 8 feet tall
● glowing black eyes
● black nose like a polar bear
● smells like my wet dog after climbing out of irrigation canal
● can levitate
● steals food from campers
● often mistaken for a bear
● uses essence of Skunk when working the winters as the swamp ape
● is sick of eating roots and nuts
● has been on earth for 300 years
● is the only Chican left
● will die in few hundred years destroying much of NW tourist trade
● likes my UFO articles because they spark interest and allow him to steal more food from campers
● leaves tracks only when he wants to
● recycles his own scat (a negative trait to the Hack Writer)
● in summer sleeps in trees or on top of a mountain where he can study the cosmos
● in cold weather he moves into the Fostoria, Oregon public library where he has read every book except those by Danielle Steel
● in the dead of winter he lives in Florida and works as the Swamp Ape
● reads Danielle Steel books in summer when he buys them at yard sales
● fits right into yard sales with "those creepy crawlers"
● had an affair with a Mapinguary with whom a Chican can breed but was rejected in 1876
Those of us who want to preserve Phontos and his like must do something about it. We must not again fall in with Intergalactic shysters who say they can rejuvenate the race by DNA manipulation. They recently implanted the egg of a great ape modified with Phontos' DNA into an African elephant. After two years of waiting for "the big Intergalactic Event," the elephant bore an absolutely perfect African elephant. The cost was $760,000.00 of which our local Snake River chapter put up $13.75.
What a flop!
Our best chance is to get the sole surviving Mapinguary to reconsider Phontos and bare him a child. It would create a Chican / Mapinguary cross. Earth scientist can not tell the difference between a Chican and a Mapinguary (for heaven's sake).
Our chapter is now raising money for a project to be conducted by Dr. Glendora Miller of the Boise State University's Biochemistry Department. Dr. Miller, who coincidently was raised in Glendale, California hence her name, will create a particular potent potion that when inhaled will cause any Mapinguary to mate with a Chican or vice versa. We plan to spray Big Foot with this particular potent potion and drop him off in the Brazilian jungle where the female Mapinguary was last seen.
The Snake River chapter accepts donations through PayPal®.
The End
P.S. On a sad note our application to become a chapter of the Intergalactic Society to Preserve Chicans in the Milky Way System was rejected despite Xrytspet's petition. However the Snake River Big Foot Association will continue to work for Chican preservation. Our application will be reconsidered in 2643 if our works are commendable.
copyright 2007©John Taylor Jones, Ph.D.
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself "Taylor Jones, the hack writer."
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
About the Author
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.tjbooks.com
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